in 2020, it shall be well. you are not here by chance. you have arrived in this place fully loaded with grace to finish the race. this is not the first time you will be here. you have lived this year over and over again before time came to make it tangible.
In the middle of a million ideas racing through my mind, I catch a thought about death: I’m gonna die someday. It says. It’s true, but if you tell me to explain how it makes me feel, I’d say – helpless, like a falling leaf, a passing wind, something then suddenly, nothing.
Does the thought of death ever make you feel that way?
This thought of death crumbles my pride. It shakes off every sense of self-importance in my bones to know that I will become a star silently singing, terribly aware of everything when nothing is aware of me. It is nerve racking. I lose my presence of mind, only to exist only in the past. To dream in reverse.
The first time I began to see being single as a ‘problem’ was in 2018, during my state service year. At work, a fight broke out between a fellow corps member and her supervisor. It escalated quickly and they raised their voices. I was on my own, doing my work when I suddenly heard her voice pitch a little higher with resentment as she said;
“I’m a married woman, so you can’t talk to me like that.” Her left hand did a sweeping motion towards me and the others, “There are single people here, you can talk to them anyhow you want, but you cannot talk to me anyhow. I am somebody’s wife.”